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I was afraid of getting hurt if he wasn’t actually interested in me. Being open and honest with myself, let alone anybody else, was terrifying. I can only remember through the eyes of an obese, insecure teen girl.

Though it would be interesting to know for certain, I’m glad I never clarified my relationship with Mike.

I was waiting for the moment when he would finally understand me and be repulsed. If you can’t love yourself, you won’t be able to understand why someone else would love you. I didn’t love myself and didn’t get much love from my distant family or friends. You can’t replace self-love with love from another.

I was waiting for him to tell me I wasn’t good enough, the way I told myself that every day. If you start a relationship when you don’t love yourself, you’ll have many hardships along the way. My peers were starting to have relationships as young as 12. In my experience, it’s better to let love come naturally.

He also admitted that he didn’t return my feelings. Now I realize that refusing to address my feelings was already my answer. With Mike, I was too self-conscious to know my worth.

With Forrest, I was too desperate to understand his subtle rejection. I didn’t pursue a romantic relationship for nearly two years. Yet heartbreak was what I needed to build the foundation of my self-esteem. Heartbreak, starting college and becoming vegan helped me grow in confidence over the last two years.

My crushes as an overweight girl started when I was in elementary school. It began as an odd acquaintanceship with Mike in my freshman year of high school. Though the compliments were strange, they were detail-oriented and weren’t backhanded. Another part of me said that he was just taunting me.

I was interested in giving a relationship with Mike a try, yet I was afraid.

I rationalized that he talked to me because he enjoyed poking fun at me.

I couldn’t understand why dating an overweight girl like me would interest anybody.

I was still losing weight and learning to love myself when I met my husband, Rob. How could somebody such as Rob ever like (or love) a person like me?

I was afraid he would realize how much work I needed.

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